


Why Let Go?

by insomniacchronosaurus



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, i don't like it all that much but i wrote it so i might as well post it, inspired by a vid i saw on twitter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-07-10 08:04:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19902478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insomniacchronosaurus/pseuds/insomniacchronosaurus
Summary: Felix and Changbin's journey of hand holding.





	Why Let Go?

The first time Felix held Changbin’s hand, he was sixteen. 

One of the older trainees-Chan, who had also told Felix that he could call him Chris-had recently asked him to join the group he was trying to put together. Chan introduced Felix to Changbin, Jisung, Woojin, and Hyunjin. Felix had listened to Chan, Changbin, and Jisung’s music on soundcloud, and they were good. Really good. Felix felt like he’d made the right choice agreeing to be a part of their team. He was with a fellow Aussie/english speaker, and everyone seemed really talented. They might be good enough to debut.

One night, the six of them were practicing dance together. Chan had declared Felix and Hyunjin the group’s dance line, so Felix felt the pressure to be good at the choreography. And he was doing fine...until he wasn’t.

“Oof!” Felix went the wrong way and bumped into Changbin. Changbin accidentally pushed the younger, who fell to the ground.

“You okay Felix?” Chan called from the other side of the room. 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Felix was about to get up when a hand came into his field of vision.

“Sorry for pushing. I didn’t mean to.” Felix looked up at Changbin. He took his outstretched hand. The rapper helped Felix up.

“Sure you’re okay?” Changbin made eye contact with Felix, knowing it helped the younger understand when the language barrier was too great.

Felix’s eyes couldn’t help but drift down to their still clasped hands. Felix then panicked, thinking Changbin was going to let go now that Felix had drawn attention to it, but instead Changbin intertwined their fingers. Felix felt his breath catch in his throat. His eyes went to the floor. 

“Y-Yeah. I’m okay. Thanks.” Felix shyly looked back up and saw Changbin was smiling, which made Felix smile back. 

Felix’s eyes traveled down Changbin’s face, wishing the shadow from his hat wasn’t there, so he could better appreciate the older’s eyes. For the first time, Felix was seeing a gentleness in them that he hadn’t expected. Upon meeting Changbin, he’d seen the older as dark, scary, cool and intimidating. But maybe he was a bit of a softie after all. Changbin squeezed Felix’s hand before letting go and walking away. Felix’s hand felt empty.  
He wished Changbin hadn’t let go. 

The second time Felix held Changbin’s hand, he was seventeen and a half. 

They were about to go on to perform for their debut stage. Years of training had led up to this moment. It could make or break everything. They had all worked so hard, but what if it wasn’t good enough? What if one of them made an unforgivable mistake on stage? What if the crowd hated them and booed? What if no one liked their music, and they disappointed their fans? 

Felix closed his eyes. He knew these “what ifs” weren’t helping anything. Worrying would only make things worse. He had no control over whether they would succeed or not. He had done all he could do. He just had to try his best and see what happened.  
So Felix had just gotten himself calmed down when he heard a rattled, shaky breath come from his right.

“Hyung?” Changbin turned around, tears dripping down his cheeks.

“H-hey, Lix,” he mumbled as he wiped at his eyes. “How’s it going?” Changbin tried to feign normalcy, but when his voice cracked at the last word, he couldn’t help but give in to his emotions.

“Oh hyung,” Felix said as he rushed over. He pulled Changbin into a hug and rubbed his back soothingly as the older sobbed in his arms.

“I’m sorry for crying-god, I don’t know why I’m such a mess, ugh I’m sorry…”

“No, you don’t have to be sorry.” Felix pulled away from the embrace to look at Changbin. “It’s okay. We’re all messes. And I think we’re going to do okay. We made it this far, right? We were good enough at the trainee showcase to be picked as a group to debut. We were good enough during the survival show to make it here-all nine of us. We’ve been working really hard-I think we’ve got this.”

“I know, it’s just-” Changbin stopped to sniffle. “I-I was practicing my rap just now, in the bathroom, and then for a second-I forgot all the words. I was able to remember them after a moment, but what if something like that happens onstage?”

“Before your part starts, say the lyrics to yourself in your head over and over. You don’t have to be thinking about the choreography; we’ve practiced it so many times it’s muscle memory now. So just repeat the words to yourself until your part comes. And if you realize you can’t remember the words, just catch my eye. I’ll do the part for you.”

“You would?”

“Of course I would, hyung.” Felix took Changbin’s hand, interlocking their fingers. “I would do anything for you.”

A small smile crept onto Changbin’s lips. He squeezed Felix’s hand.

“Thank you,” Changbin whispered.

“I can’t promise I’ll do the rap as good as you, though,” Felix said playfully. Changbin chuckled.

“Maybe not, but it’d sound cooler in your deep voice.”

“‘They say ‘You’re different from me, so leave here’, but you need to know being different is not being wrong,’” Felix said in the deepest voice possible, and then giggled.

“See how cool you sound? I’m sure it’ll make all the girls go crazy.”

Felix felt his stomach twist at Changbin’s words. All the girls. He wasn’t sure how he was ever going to tell them. If he ever could tell them. But he had to. Right?

“Then again…” Changbin said, catching Felix’s attention. 

“I’m not a girl, and it would make me go crazy, so…” Changbin trailed off. Felix felt his jaw drop. Changbin snickered and winked before letting go of Felix’s hand. 

Was that...flirting?

The third time Felix held Changbin’s hand, he was eighteen.

He had just turned eighteen, in fact. It was September 15th, 2018. They were all staying in a hotel at the time, but they had managed to still make Jisung and Felix’s birthdays special. Felix was just glad he got to be with his best friends-his second family. He never imagined he’d get so close to his fellow members when he first met each of them, but he saw all of them like brothers.  
Well...not all of them.

Unfortunately, Felix had developed a massive crush on Changbin at this point. He wasn’t sure when that happened, but at some point during the Changlix jokes and teasing and cuddling and cheek kissing, Felix realized that what he felt was real. He liked Changbin.  
But there was nothing he could do about it. He could never tell Changbin. He wasn’t even out to him. Felix wasn’t out to any of his members yet. But sexuality aside, it would just complicate things. Of course they were all like family, but they were technically also work partners. Co-workers, even. Things could get messy and difficult if they dated and broke up. And there was the dating ban the company had them all on. And that was just thinking of heterosexual relationships-god knows how JYP would feel if two of his male idols were dating each other.

But then there was also the fact that Felix didn’t want to jeopardize his friendship with Changbin. Changbin most definitely didn’t feel the same way, so it would make things awkward. Felix didn’t want things to change between him and Changbin because of his stupid feelings. He would just repress and ignore them until they went away. 

So it was late on the night of September 15th-approaching September 16th. By now, the members had all gone back to their rooms. Felix was actually roommates with Changbin. He tossed and turned in bed and struggled to fall asleep. Restlessness plagued him. He had been able to make it through the past few years by ignoring his sexuality. He knew it would make everything more complicated if anyone knew he was gay. And it had been going fine, but lately the secret wormed around inside of him. It itched and burned. He felt guilty for not telling anyone, but he also feared that he might get kicked out of the group or lose his friendships with the other members. He couldn't risk that. So coming out wasn't an option. But at the same time, it hurt Felix that he couldn't tell anyone. 

Felix decided to get up and go to the bathroom. He would splash his face with water, walk around, and clear his head. It would help his insomnia. Felix smiled to himself at that thought and started to sing the song to himself-including the beginning instrumentals.

“Pim pim pim pim paddada pim pim pim...pim pim pim pim paddadda pim pim pim…”

Felix softly sang Hyunjin’s beginning part to himself as he ran a cool washcloth over his face.

“When all the rooms’ lights are on, when all the alarms go off…” Felix said, continuing into Changbin’s part.

“When I’m tired, thinking about it with my eyes closed,” he continued but this time he realized-there was another voice accompanying him.

Feix turned to the door frame and there Changbin stood, still looking swoon worthy despite having bed head and a makeup free face.

“Hey Lix,” the older said, his voice thick with sleep.

“Did I wake you? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

“No, you’re fine. I was having trouble sleeping anyway.”

“That makes two of us.”

Changbin hummed. He walked over to stand behind Felix, who was fluffing up his dyed ginger hair in the mirror. Changbin wrapped his arms around Felix’s waist, which made Felix freeze.

“I can’t believe my little Lixie is already eighteen! You know that makes you an adult in a lot of countries, right? Like in Australia? You can drink in Australia now! Isn’t that cool?”

Changbin shook Felix around a little towards the end, and Felix forced a chuckle. “Yeah, that’s really cool.” The younger pushed Changbin’s arms away and walked out of the bathroom. When he went back into their room, he saw Changbin had turned on the lamp. 

“Are you okay, Lix? You seemed kind of off during your party earlier.” Changbin followed Felix out of the bathroom and sat down on his bed, grabbing his stuffed Munchlax, Gyu. Felix had lay back down on his own bed. 

“I’m fine, hyung. We should both get some rest. Goodnight.” Felix turned around in bed so his back was to Changbin.

“Hold on. You’re clearly not okay. Come here.”

Felix groaned. “Do I have to?”

“Yes you do, I’m your hyung. When your hyung tells you to do things, you do them.”

“But you’re not like that with Minho hyung.”

“Stop trying to change the subject. Come here.”

Felix grumbled and rolled out of bed over to Changbin’s. He plopped down next to the older. 

“What’s bothering you, Lixie?”

Lixie. Changbin was going to have to stop with that nickname for Felix to survive. It was too cute.

“Please don’t call me that,” Felix whispered, surprised at how desperate he sounded. 

“Felix. Look at me.” Felix looked up into Changbin’s eyes-gentleness. All he saw was tenderness. Open, loving, soft, and warm. He felt himself melt a bit.

“You know you can tell me anything, right?”

Felix’s heart started palpitating. “Anything?”

“Anything. I promise.”

“Are...are you sure? Because...what if I told you something about myself that could…make you see me differently?”

Changbin took Felix’s hand. “Lix I promise you that no matter what, nothing will change the way I see you. We’re teammates. You’re one of my best friends; you’re family. I’ll always love you, no matter what.”

Felix felt himself tense up. He didn’t mean it like that, don’t get ahead of yourself Lee, Felix thought to himself.

Felix turned to look at Changbin. “Okay, well...I do have something to tell you. But please don’t tell any of the other members-I’m not ready for them to know yet.”

Changbin nodded. Felix looked down at his lap and exhaled. Changbin squeezed Felix’s hand. Felix smiled at him gratefully and conjoined their fingers.

“Okay, here goes nothing.” Felix exhaled again. Was he really doing this? He couldn’t believe he was really doing this. Was he really doing this? Oh god, he was really doing this. Okay. Here we go.

“I’m gay.”

Felix waited for the earthquake to hit, for the ground to swallow him up, for the sun to go supernova. The universe could not physically handle Felix being out to someone, could it? So it would be sure to implode the second Felix told someone his biggest secret.  
When no natural disaster hit, Felix then braced himself for something much worse-Changbin to be confused, unaccepting, or ignorant.  
But that’s the opposite of what he got.

Changbin instead fell back down onto his bed and pulled Felix on top of him for cuddles. Felix was confused, but he also wasn’t complaining.

“W-what are you doing?”

“Are you saying that you don’t want cuddles? That Lee Felix isn’t in the mood to be cuddled? You must be an impostor then, because the Felix I know never turns his back on cuddles.”

“But-” Felix shifted so he was no longer on top of Changbin, but laying next to him. Changbin turned to lie on his right side to face Felix.

“You’re...not mad? Or weirded out? Or disgusted or something?”

Changbin shook his head. “Of course not.”

“So you’re...okay with it?”

Changbin put his arm around Felix’s shoulders. Felix hesitated, but then snuggled into Changbin’s arms.

“You being gay doesn’t change anything, Lix. You’re the same Felix I’ve always known. The same adorable, sweet, cuddly, kind, funny, caring, wise, hardworking, talented, amazing Felix. I love you, no matter who you love. And I’m sure the other members will feel the same.”

Felix looked up at Changbin. “You really think so?”

Changbin hesitated, but then leaned forward and softly kissed Felix’s head. Felix couldn’t help the gasp that came out of him. 

“I know so, Lixie.” Changbin whispered into Felix’s hair.

“Hyung is it okay if I…if I sleep with you for tonight?”

“Of course, Lixie.” Changbin pulled up the blankets and threw them over him and Felix. He reached over to his bedside table to turn off the lamp. When he turned back, he resumed his snuggles with Felix, who for the rest of the night, slept soundly.

Meanwhile Changbin tried to sleep but failed, and instead spent the night stroking the younger’s hair and counting his freckles. He looked out the window at the moon and thought to himself, You’re really in it now, Seo.

The fourth time Felix held Changbin’s hand, he was eighteen years and four months old. 

The new year had just begun (according to the Gregorian calendar anyway, Asia still had another celebration to come next month) and they were all practicing for their comeback. A new era-the I Am series was over. Now it was time for the Clé albums. The first was Miroh (not to be confused with the Korean word for Mirror, which was spelled and pronounced the same way, this was the French word for maze.) Felix had heard what their next lead single would be already, and he thought it was awesome. He’d been chosen to lead the dance and teach the others the choreo, and he was really excited about it. He was settling into bed after a day of dancing, heart full but limbs sore. He loved what he did of course, and was excited to get back to it tomorrow, but for now he was eager to get some sleep.  
Felix had pulled up his nighttime playlist and was going through some letters from stay to read before hitting the hay when Changbin walked in.

“Oh. Hey, hyung.” Changbin never came home this early. He always stayed late at the studio to work on songs. Felix wasn’t used to seeing him home at this time.

“Hey, Lix.” Changbin sighed and fell back onto Woojin’s bed, which was across the room from Felix’s.

“Tired?” Felix asked while shuffling through envelopes.

Changbin turned on his side to look at Felix. “That’s an understatement.”

Felix felt himself soften. His crush on the older had been fading lately, but he couldn’t help the fondness that came out especially with Changbin.

“Then get some sleep. I’ll turn off the light.”

“Aren’t you reading?”

“It’s okay. I can just listen to music to fall asleep.”

“No Felix, you don’t have to do that-”

“Too bad. I’m doing it.” Felix put the letters back in his bag, which was at the foot of his bed, and walked over to the light switch to flip it off.

“Goodnight, hyung.”

“Wait!”

Felix had been on his way back to his bed, but he stopped. “Is everything okay?”

“Can you just...can you just come here, please?”

Felix wandered over in the dark to the area he knew Woojin’s bed to be until he touched Changbin’s knee and realized he’d found it. Felix sat down next to Changbin.

“What’s up?” Felix asked gently. He heard Changbin exhale.

“I...I just....remember on your birthday, you told me something?”

Felix tensed up. They hadn’t talked about it at all since then. What if Changbin had since decided he wasn’t okay with it after all? 

“Yeah, I remember. What about it?”

“Well, I-I...I’m sorry. This is...really hard for me.”

Felix felt around until he found Changbin’s hand. He took it and weaved their fingers together. Changbin let out an anxious chuckle and squeezed Felix’s hand.

“You know, usually...usually I really like holding you hand, Lixie. But right now, it’s only making me more nervous.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Felix started to let go, but Changbin tugged on his hand.

“No, I didn’t mean it like that. I still like holding your hand, it just makes me nervous. But-a good kind of nervous.” Felix couldn’t see it, but Changbin smiled at the younger. 

“I...I’ve been thinking a lot since you came out to me. I never knew a lot about gay people, but I always knew that I was fine with them. I never understood why someone wouldn’t be. What difference does it make? So when you came out, it didn’t change the way I thought of you. But the thing is that I always thought of gay people as some faraway concept that had nothing to do with me. I wasn’t gay. There was no way. But that night...I couldn’t sleep, so I watched you, and I just...God, you were so beautiful. You are so beautiful.”

At this point, Felix’s heart was hammering so hard he worried Changbin might be able to hear it. 

“I thought about it, and I realized I had never felt this way about anyone. I had never thought a girl was beautiful. I mean objectively, I’ve thought women were attractive, but when I liked girls, I realized I only liked them because I thought I was supposed to. I didn’t feel this way for a girl before.”

“And...how-how did you feel?”

“I felt like my heart rate went up every time I saw you. I felt sparkly inside when I saw you smile or heard you laugh. God, I can’t believe I really just said that. And I call myself a lyricist? Ugh, I’m sorry,” Changbin said, pulling his hand away from Felix’s and moving it to his head to run his hands through his hair, only to be met with the fabric of his snapback. He took it off and put his head in his hands.

“This is really embarrassing and stupid but...I have feelings for you, Felix. I really like you. Not like a friend or a brother. I know I’m not supposed to. It complicates things, and we aren’t supposed to date, but I can’t help what I feel.”  
Felix was shell shocked. He couldn’t think of anything to say. He couldn’t believe this was actually happening. Changbin was gay? And liked him back? How was this real? Was Felix sure he wasn’t dreaming?

“I’m assuming from your silence that I’ve made everything awkward because you don’t feel the same way. I get it, and I’m sorry. We can pretend it never happened. Just please don’t be so weirded out that we can’t be friends anymore. I don’t know what I’ll do with myself if I lose you, Lixie-”

Changbin paused when he felt Felix getting off the bed. The younger walked over to the light switch and flipped it on. The pair winced from the sudden brightness. 

“Why did you turn the light on?”

Felix walked back to Woojin’s bed and sat down on it directly across from Changbin. 

“So I could see you, so I could do this,” Felix said as he leaned in and placed his lips on Changbin’s. Changbin was paralyzed by shock at first, but he adjusted and started to reciprocate. Felix had his hands on Changbin’s neck and Changbin was running his hands up Felix’s waist and upper body, feeling his slight muscles. Felix had been sitting on his knees while Changbin had been criss cross, so he was having to uncomfortably lean down to meet Changbin’s mouth. He scooched forward so they were closer. Changbin managed to read the younger’s mind and pulled him forward by the waist until Felix was sitting in Changbin’s lap. Felix squeaked in surprise into Changbin’s mouth, which made Changbin giggle.

“You okay baby?” Changbin breathed against Felix’s lips once he’d pulled away from the kiss.

Felix giggled. “Baby?”

“Sorry. Do you hate it?”

“No it’s cute, I just wasn’t expecting it.” Felix pulled away to get a better look at Changbin, running his hands through the older’s hair. Changbin’s hand traveled up to take one of Felix’s. They slot their fingers together. Felix grinned and scrunched his nose.

“You’re so cute Lixie,” Changbin said as he leaned forward and nuzzled their noses together. Changbin kissed the younger’s nose, which made him giggle.

“That’s really cute,” Felix said. 

“Much like you.”

Felix beamed. “You really like me?”

“Of course. Do you?”

“Do I what?”

“Do you like me?”

“God, Changbin, of course. You have no idea how much. I’ve liked you for months. You’re sweet and funny and talented and adorable and caring and passionate and smart and really hot.”

“Really?”

“You’re exactly my type. You’re basically my dream boy.”

Changbin smiled adorably and Felix used his free hand to poke the older’s cheek. 

“So what now?”

“...we kiss again?”

Felix smiled. He was really whipped for this boy, wasn’t he?

“I mean, only if you want to. I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with, Lixie.”

“Don’t worry baby, I want to. I just mean-what are we now? Do you want to...be my boyfriend?”

Changbin smiled, something twinkly forming in his eyes. He squeezed Felix’s hand, and Felix smiled.

“Yes Lixie, I do. And don’t think I’m ever planning on letting you go.”

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed that! i think it's kind of meh but whatever. i tried.  
> thanks for reading! pls read my woochan texting au it's called love bear and i'm really proud of it  
> hope you're having a good day! don't forget to stream side effects <3


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